Maybe there is such a thing... don't know what to think...

It goes against everything in me to trust anybody but  then after all these years of being shut-down and distant I let someone get near me and I let myself trust them. It was a mistake... I got hurt. Not a bad person - just on a different planet I guess... So I thought the only thing to do was to resume my old patterns. SAFE sex and I am NOT just talking about condoms here. I am talking about guarding my heart, keeping my heart safe.

So I meet guy #1 and he seems perfect... very sexy, but not someone I would ever fall for... just someone to amuse me and satisfy me physically and to keep the loneliness at bay. But he turned out to be an asshole... possibly a dangerous asshole. In swoops guy #2 to the rescue... I actually met him in January - just as I knew things were falling apart with my heart's one true desire. He was cute and sweet and very tender. Anyway... we hooked up and I thought that was that... but I dunno... that does not seem to be that at all......

Or what if there is no nice guy?

 I don't know...

Well, I don't think I have blogged here since the whole disasterous Camillo thing. He seemed like a nice guy, seemed like he had a lot going for him but he was just a pyscho nutjob. Anyway, the weekend was certainly interesting and I find myself in a completely different situation suddenly. Don't want to say much about it yet. All happening very fast - all very confusing, but not necessarily in a bad way.

We do what we must to survive you know? And we try to make the best of it. A lot of my anger from the past 4 or 5 months is subsiding although I will always, always have questions and I know I will never get the answers I am looking for. I fell in love with the wrong person and I can't change that now. All I can do is go on living. And do the best I can to be a friend to that person and somehow heal myself at the same time. I don't need a nut like Camillo complicating things... but a nice guy? Yeah, maybe the nice guy wins this time?

I no longer feel like the life I am living is my life. I don’t recognize it or myself. I am frustrated and confused all the time. All I want is honesty and sincerity and I cannot seem to find it anywhere I look. How can people be the way they are? How can they use other people… so selfish, so uncaring. And how can I become like them? That is really what I want to do… just take what I want and leave nothing... The problem is it's not what I want to just take what I want. I want to be able to give something too...

I have been in the dark so long, but you know what? It was SAFE there. It was better there. I  am just so tired of hurting.

I had a nice weekend for the most part... all the stuff with the clinic and Smarty was really cool. I like to be busy so I don't have as much time to think... thinking seems to get me into too much trouble.

 Most of the time the past few weeks I have felt pretty good. I have been taking steps to try to correct the things in my life that are broken (both personal and professional.) It's hard, because no matter what is gained there is still so much lost. I cannot help but grieve. How could I have been so terribly wrong about so many things?  Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. How could I allow these things to happen, me who has always been so very good at self-preservation?

I had a pretty good conversation today with someone who I once loved... I say once loved, but in fact I always will. It has just taken on a new form. Love never dies, it evolves. If you don't know that and you don't live that then you don't know anything at all about love.

Four more weeks of torture!

So, I have met this guy. He seems great. Ex-Navy, a vet of Afghanistan and Iraq, gainfully employed, no drugs, no kids, never married, loves animals, open minded and really cool (he surfs.) But man, I don't know. He is moving really fast here and I am not so good at that... And he is ten years my junior. Not that that has ever bothered me before.

 Maybe I am just not really ready. I don't fucking know.

Well Facebook is too public and too many people read me over on MySpace so here I am.  Weird how this whole blogging thing works... I am narcissistic enough that I want my blog to be public but private enough that I don't want anyone I know to actually read it. And I always feel the need to censor myself which defeats the whole purpose of "venting." Anyway, as far as I know nobody has looked at this page in years so I should be pretty safe here.

 Anyway, 2009 SUCKS. In retrospect, 2008 was a fabulous freaking year! I'll talk more about this later.